After taking some time to freak out and then end my grudge against the world, I started to refocus my energies. My sons anthroposophical doctor was brilliant and suggested that I “try to see a psychiatrist privately and pay out of pocket”. This at first was a ridiculous thought, but then came the rest of the converstaion. It took a while for this to process in my brain. “Go a few times a year.” Okay you could have hit me with a brick at this point and I wouldn’t have felt it. My brain just took a total 180 at this conclusion. It never occurred to me that since I would be paying privately that I had more control in how many times I would be seeing a doctor with my son, rather than dealing with all the beauracracy of governmental medicine. I was dumb-founded at this! Really! It never occurred to me, REALLY! So after having a wonderful experience with speaking to one of the psychiatrists, about 40 minutes from home, at which point he was not able to accept T. as a patient due to not accepting Medicaid, still, I found he was extremely helpful and personable. I called him back and suggested privately paying, maybe quarterly visits. He was on board with this idea and accepted T. as his patient. We have to wait till July for our first visit, not that he didn’t have an appointment opening because he did, but due to the fact that I must use T.’s Supplemental Social security money to pay for these visits and we had no more $ for the month. Next month is going to be extremely hard financially since we must travel to see the boys father for a couple days, which means no less than six hours of traveling one way. With gas prices as they are, it is going to take a huge dent from my resources. They haven’t seen their father since fourth of July last year, ’07. We also have the rest of horse camp payments and T.’s psychiatrist appointment and extra gas milelage used for B.’s camp(over half an hour away from home daily) and County 4-H fair(daily travel for taking care of animals exhibited). So I am jammed with extra money needed to survive this next month and have no idea where I am going to get it from. Even with all the angst about the money, I am still feeling optomistic about July. I have hopes that things will somehow work out, just not sure how. 😛 It will be a struggle and we will suffer some, but I think we will make it through without too much damage and hopefully the boys won’t notice too much, since I am expelling all of this for the sake of their adventures and health and wellbeing. I hope I don’t get too stressed out about things when issues arise. Not sure if any of the above made any sense, but it did in my head. 😛 LOL I am feeling better and hopeful. I really need to stay that way.
Okay, am I ever allowed to just freak out! Cause I really want to. My anxiety is sky rocketing through the roof. My face is tingling and my mouth is going numb from the anxiety attack I am trying to stave off. T. once again has effected my social outlets. He was so disturbing and destructive at a lovely fiber meeting that I am no longer welcome to be apart of it. Not that this is a big surprise as it was only a matter of time. I am tired of going places with and for him, to only get slapped in the face, sometimes literally, with explosions or tantrums of swearing, throwing objects, banging and pushing everything in his path, and screaming. I won’t subject myself to useless talk therapies for this child, when all they do is ask me for a running list of what we did and how did he manage it as our weekly hour long therapy sessions. As that has how it has been since he was two years old, I think I can safely say, that doesn’t work for him or us. I just need an adjustment for his meds and someone to help me a couple times a week so I can get out and do things without him or worrying about him. You would think that this shouldn’t be hard to find in a country where more than half the population has some sort of metnal disorder or physical disorder. Yes, that was my own made up fact but it is no less truthful. All the useless beuracracy to get any help or service provided is obscene! I should need two other parties involved to get respite for my son. I shouldn’t need weekly visits with a useless social worker posing as a therapist to get once a month pyschiatric treatment. I should be able to find quality medical care using medicaid, but apprently only the specialty doctors that received the bare minimum nescesary to gradute with a Phd. sign on with medicaid as an insurance provider. If I want quality,I need to use all of the funds my child recieves to live off of, for Supplemental Social Security, to pay for private services to meet his needs. Grrr! I hate using governmental systems but have no other choice and that really grinds my gears.
I don’t want to bring him to playgroup or playdates or theater shows or parks or church or stores or doctors! I want him to be normal or shut up in a locked safe room, so I can live without feeling as though I am going to crack into a million peices everytime I do anything! I know this is unrealistic and absurd thinking but I am still allowed to think it. Unless you have lived it, you know nothing! Even someone coming to the house for five minutes creates T. into a monster that if he doesn’t get to interupt you the whole time and climb all over you and hang off my body, I get to deal with biting and yelling and destroying things and acting stupid. “Oh no! Mommy is talking to another human being! I must get her and the persons attention at all times. What can I do? Oh, I know. Lets try to climb on top of a car, or disect an antenna from this persons car, or chase down and hurt an animal. That’ll do the trick!” WTF!!! I deal with this crap day in and day out! For what??!! I don’t know anymore. My sense of obligation is twindling and my protectivness as a mother is fleeting and my love is borderline hate. In my gut, I am knots just thinking about not being able to make this right somehow. I am so overwhelmed and totally lost. What I wish and want is never a reality in my life no matter how hard I work to create it to be so. I have bent my life to adjust to my childrens needs for so long I have no idea what my goals were in the first place.
In one hand I am thankful for the path that my children have led me on, because of all the new experiences I have come across in my time as their mother. On the other hand, is my time ever done! I want simple queit fun relaxed happy healthy family. Agh! I throw my hands up in the air. What else can I do?
WE ventured out yesterday to a local hiking spot called Wolfe Park. It was really serene with fake pond and gazebo with bench swings and picnic areas at the beginning of the trail. It was raining, almost pouring when we arrived at the park. It didn’t deter our plans. Upon the arrival of Paula and Ben we played in the pond catching frogs and goldfish, then proceeded for our hike. I can’t really hike for long distances anymore due to my declining health, but we went far enough to feel it. The area was beautiful and the trail was well marked. B. didn’t stop talking the entiore time so serenty flew out the window as soon as we began walking. That was irrating. T. followed directions pretty well and only got scared on our way back becuase we seperated from the group. I really needed to get back to sit and drink some water. When everyone made it back to the gazebo we brought out lunch and enjoyed a yummy and filling meal. Afterward we brought the kids to Humbdingers for ice cream and a quick juant to our house for bathroom breaks and alittle lego fun. I would have had more pics except my camera’s battery died shortly after we began the hike. I did see some lovely little flowers and deer prints and mushrooms in the forest.
I was really excited about capturing a Fae with my camera that was hanging around Paula on our hike! It was really exciting. We saw locations of Fae Mounds and offering sites and where they had been escpaing some fo the rain under some mushrooms. It was really a magical hike.
For a summer solstice I have to say it was a successful day trip and so close to home. It was so nice to be outside for most of the day.
I went over to my folks house a few days after my birthday to have a little celebration with some of my favorite foods and cake. We had a boiled dinner that couldn’t be beat and delicious frosting! I love my moms frosting, I really don’t know why folks bother with the cake part. 😛 We stuffed ourselves silly then reviewed some photos from long ago. Memory sharing is a pretty strong tradtition in my family and we pretty much do it at all family occasions and sometimes just because. We came across some of my favorite pictures of my grandparents and uncles and cousins from long ago. I really miss my great grandfather! I was very fortunate to have a large family and one that was around me in their old age. My children were even fortunate enough to have met several of their great great aunts and great great uncles and great grandmothers before passing. I wish they had the opportunity to have gotten to know them more, but at least they were able to meet them at all. That is more than I can say for most families, I know.
I wonder what good will come of this day?! This is my mantra for today. I need a little boost in motivation and inspriation since all this grey weather has settled over the northeast for the last week and doesn’t seem to be going away.
I am happy to report that my garden is growing with leaps and bounds! I have broccoli heads the size of my fist!!! My corn is sprouting. My tomato plants are getting abnormally large. Some Jalepeno peppers are now more than three inches long. My strawberry plants are forming beautiful berries. Flowers around my yard are in full bloom and really help brighten up the surroundings. We even had the luck to see a beautiful Hummingbird outside my front window.
I am looking forward to a day outside. Hiking this morning! I have yet to go to this particular park so I get to be just as my children with its newness. I really enjoy that feeling of “Aw.” when you find new trails and interesting objects along the way. I hope to get lots of pictures today of all that we see and do.
I am also excited to report that after four cancellations from the stable we finally managed to do a test run with T. on a horse. We went on a half an hour trail ride and we all had fun and T. managed his horse and his fears wonderfully! He liked the whole experience! He is really excited about camp now even more than before. We are still working out details as to which weekend would best suite him as they are still awaiting the late ruch they usually get of camp sign-ups. We wil place him in with the smallest group so he can have more individual attention. I have such high hopes for this summer experience. I hope not too high. 😛
Anyway, I am off now to go play outside for the day! Enjoy your Summer Solstice
T. had decided during this last Sunday’s Passages Service that he wanted to be dedicated to the church. This would be something similar to baptism is christian religions. He will be welcomed as an official extended family member to everyone of the congregants. It was pretty cool and kinda outta the blue that T. wanted this. I wasn’t sure what his motivations were, but I know he really loves the time he spends with so many folks here at the local UU. They truely are our extended family. I am lucky to have found such a welcoming and kind group of folks upon arriving in New York almost four years ago now.
These are a few pictures of the actual ceremony that almost didn’t happen. T. sat there in the pew, with our special guests grandma and grandpa. All of a sudden, in mid hymn, “I don’t want to be dedicated”. Tears in his eyes and pulling me upon him. Oh dear. I was feeling a little disheartened. I kelpt encouraging him that he could do this and that there was nothing to fear about going up to the pulpit. Nothing helped. His sobs only got louder. Finally it came time and Douglas came over with mike in hand announcing T.’s dedication and T. balled out his loudest yet that he didn’t want to be dedicated! My face was probably turning shades of all sorts by this point. What was I going to do You can’t say you have to. to something like this. Douglas was so kind and flexible, knowing T. very well, he tried to give him all control over the matter. “If you change your mind, I have everything set up for you. We will just move on with the rest of the service. Just let me know.” Things were lite again in T.’s eyes and he jumped up to the pulpit. We all followed him up there. So T.!!! LOL