Since we aren’t really totally unpacked or recovered from the rather expensive move and house sale prep, I had decided we were not going to be having any celebrations for our Winter Solstice. It was a rather strong internal struggle to have to put our Advent activities and our Solstice stories aside and to keep our tree and decorations in storage. I really begin my winters inner work through this process and this year, my shift inwards has been skipped over and I am not sure when I will settle into winter work. As for now, I must work outwardly and get my house in order.
The Solstice passed by with my chin held high and no observations enacted. But T. has always been a strong believer in Father Winter and Santa and he expressed serious faith that they were going to find us, even though we moved. My guilt became rather overwhelming that I had not put anything together for the boys to celebrate and keep the faith alive. Our relationship with the boys, as of late, has been purely argumentative and cynical. I began to rationalize gift giving, with thoughts that it might bring some kind of hope or at least not make things worse and crushing all spirit left in them. So, knowing that B. needed a laptop, that was my first priority. For T. I was really torn. I really wanted to give him something in equivalency to specialness and surprise, but not a laptop. I also wanted to find him something that would help pacify him when out and about. I know that sounds horrible and I really feel it is, but I am desperate now a days to survive each day through the explosions and such. I did it! I got T. a Nintendo DS lite. He loves it and I am determined to find out how to make it really useful rather than just a play thing for the game cards. Apparently there are all sorts of things you can do with this little machine, I just have to find out how and what.
(To make the scene clearer, we went out shopping and had to run a quick errand at Best Buy. This was two days prior to Christmas. I wasn’t thinking about holidays at this point and didn’t realize that this store wasn’t going to be as simple to maneuver around in as in the Hole Depot we had been to prior that day. After what seemed forever, hemming and hawing over whether I should go ahead and purchase these spontaneous gifts for the boys, we had a hard time getting service, then the laptop we had asked for was out of stock, then we saw the one and only line. It wrapped around the front of the store , down the furthest isle, then almost all the way to the back of the store. We strolled outta of there with no purchases and a little frustrated. I simply saw it as a sign of my stupidity and that it was not meant to be this year. Wednesday(i think) S. went out and purchased all the items we picked out by himself. I was surprised, pleasantly so. )
I have let the boys have total free access to their new electronics since opening them on Christmas, but that will soon slow down and become more monitored. My guilt has not been totally subverted since I did end up giving them items I normally would not condone for children, but I am trying to meet my needs and the children’s needs with a more open mind and more hope and trust in the boys. This is hard for me considering it’s me and they are they. LOL 😛 Anyway, it was good to see them happy upon waking to gifts wrapped upon the couch laid out for them. No Chocolate or candy, just some gum, DVD’s, B.’s Laptop and a pc game and T.’s DS and two games.
I look forward to Monday, when we begin to get back to schoolwork. It’s been weeks since we have been able to focus on any school work and B. has some major catching up and T. too!! We missed having out family close by as in NY, but we were able to phone family and friends. It was very low key. We cooked a lovely turkey for dinner. I was a little nervous as to how it would come out, since I had not cooked one in this oven before.
I hope everyone is having a lovely Holiday Season!