Okay, am I ever allowed to just freak out!  Cause I really want to.  My anxiety is sky rocketing through the roof.  My face is tingling and my mouth is going numb from the anxiety attack I am trying to stave off.   T. once again has effected my social outlets.  He was so disturbing and destructive at a lovely fiber meeting that I am no longer welcome to be apart of it.  Not that this is a big surprise as it was only a matter of time.  I am tired of going places with and for him, to only get slapped in the face, sometimes literally, with explosions or tantrums of swearing, throwing objects, banging and pushing everything in his path, and screaming.  I won’t subject myself to useless talk therapies for this child, when all they do is ask me for a running list of what we did and how did he manage it as our weekly hour long therapy sessions.  As that has how it has been since he was two years old, I think I can safely say, that doesn’t work for him or us.  I just need an adjustment for his meds and someone to help me a couple times a week so I can get out and do things without him or worrying about him.  You would think that this shouldn’t be hard to find in a country where more than half the population has some sort of metnal disorder or physical disorder.  Yes, that was my own made up fact but it is no less truthful.  All the useless beuracracy to get any help or service provided is obscene!  I should need two other parties involved to get respite for my son.  I shouldn’t need weekly visits with a useless social worker posing as a therapist to get once a month pyschiatric treatment.  I should be able to find quality medical care using medicaid, but apprently only the specialty doctors that received the bare minimum nescesary to gradute with a Phd. sign on with medicaid as an insurance provider.  If I want quality,I need to use all of the funds my child recieves to live off of, for Supplemental Social Security, to pay for private services to meet his needs.  Grrr!  I hate using governmental systems but have no other choice and that really grinds my gears. 

I don’t want to bring him to playgroup or playdates or theater shows or parks or church or stores or doctors!  I want him to be normal or shut up in a locked safe room, so I can live without feeling as though I am going to crack into a million peices everytime I do anything!  I know this is unrealistic and absurd thinking but I am still allowed to think it.  Unless you have lived it, you know nothing!  Even someone coming to the house for five minutes creates T. into a monster that if he doesn’t get to interupt you the whole time and climb all over you and hang off my body, I get to deal with biting and yelling and destroying things and acting stupid.  “Oh no!  Mommy is talking to another human being!  I must get her and the persons attention at all times. What can I do?  Oh, I know. Lets try to climb on top of a car, or disect an antenna from this persons car, or chase down and hurt an animal.  That’ll do the trick!”  WTF!!!  I deal with this crap day in and day out!  For what??!!  I don’t know anymore.  My sense of obligation is twindling and my protectivness as a mother is fleeting and my love is borderline hate.  In my gut, I am knots just thinking about not being able to make this right somehow.    I am so overwhelmed and totally lost.  What I wish and want is never a reality in my life no matter how hard I work to create it to be so.  I have bent my life to adjust to my childrens needs for so long I have no idea what my goals were in the first place.

In one hand I am thankful for the path that my children have led me on, because of all the new experiences I have come across in my time as their mother.  On the other hand, is my time ever done!  I want simple queit fun relaxed happy healthy family.  Agh!  I throw my hands up in the air.  What else can I do?