Over the hills and Through our Day and Valentines Day too….

I started my day really early since I took S. into work, so on the road by 6am. Thankfully, it got up to 52 degrees today, so I didn’t chatter my teeth the entire drive. Aah!
T. arose and it was another day of fighting tooth and nail to get school work done. He went over “r controlled words for the second day in a row” and multiplication. He started using a Venn Diagram today to describe the differences between two sports, and continued to learn new spelling words and work with the dictionary. B. mainly played his guitar and reviewed the fractions corrections I gave him from the many pages of work from yesterday. He wants to delve into to music theory so I will have to invest a little time into researching resources for that subject. WE have limited materials on hand, but we have several local folks that can help him very much with this subject so I might toss him that way first, then give him book resources.
After lunch, we ventured over to Playgroup for our Valentine’s Day party where the boys passed out the felted hearts to each participant and I got to give one to each of the moms. I was glad I had just enough for everyone.

T. was not in a good state of mind so I allowed him to use another childs DS to keep him seated and distracted by all the chaos around him. It was not a good choice but it was the only one to help in that particular situation. Upon picking up S. from work, it was clear T. was pretty much not with us mentally, so we hurried home to chill out. He played outside whilst he got dinner ready and I found him playing in the road when dinner was ready. It was not a good scene. Our road is not one to play in at all!! Steep hill and cars flying by. Pretty scary scene actually! Got him inside and he was acting drugged out. Not really surprising with the amount of sugar he had consumed and the assuredly sugar dump he was having at that moment. After much dismay and confusion, he rested then ate some dinner with us later. My stress level has exceeded beyond comprehension so one beer down and some advil soon to follow will be the culmination of my night. My back is killing me from all the tension of today and yesterday. I do hope T. will be better tomorrow. I am pooped.
On the knitting front, I had to rip out the Tiny Tippet again and will begin again tonight after pain reliever kicks in. It looks like a really neat texture so I think I am going to love this piece, once complete. I am so thankful for LC for guiding me through this. She has been a real sport about teaching me. I really am such a baby when learning new things like this. I need such hand holding. She is so patient. Thank goodness!!
Did I mention today, that I love my MAN!!!??!!!

Gaming weekend and thoughts

We were fortunate enough this weekend to have some friends over to play with beginning mid afternoon Saturday. O. and T. came over to play! That evening the Timonin’s came over for a yummy dinner (even though the ribs became “blackened”) and gaming! They brought Puerto Rico with them. Great game and can be quite funny. Especially if you play with two teen boys on a team! O. went home later that evening when Mom and Dad came to pick them up, but T. got to stay overnight! I think it might be our first overnighter since we moved here other than when our friends came from out of state to visit. It was a late night of gaming fun. My T. was roaring still when he went to bed and ended up staying up whilst everyone else was unaware to play a plug-in play DDR we have and getting into all sorts of naughty stuff. Due to all that evening activity, he made every ones morning pretty miserable. But after he keyed down a little we were able to have a good hot break fast and B. and T. played like crazy with all their card games and miniatures. Today wasn’t very cold, but very wet and icy. It didn’t slow them down a bit. They ventured outside often. Lots of yelling and screaming and such. One hell of a time! Early afternoon came and T. had to go home.

S. had gone to pick up a goat we had processed into quarters and spent a good long time breaking it down in to cuts, then he motivated himself out to the barn where he cleaned up and did some electrical repairs.
I have been stressing out over my schooling program through ACHS.edu, and decided last night that I wasn’t going to finish, yet another goal. I do have other more important things to worry about. Like another stressor, homeschooling my soon to be eighth grader! I am looking for a really good program that he can report his work to and have a daily assignments planned for him. I have been investigating many online type programs all morning. I am not pleased with any that I have found and the prices are killer, but I will make my decision soon as to how to handle this. I am tired of me being the source of drudgery in his life. Let someone else take over that job for a while. I am waiting for March to roll around so that I can purchase the Math program I plan on using for T. this upcoming year by Teaching Textbooks. I have to wait till they put the program for sale. I hate waiting! ūüėõ
I am looking for some guidance and someone to report to regularly about my homeschooling so I can get motivated to be more active in the role of teacher. I have not found a rhythm that suites me and I am having a hard time gathering the energy to push the boys to get the work done. I really think, if I have to answer to someone I would feel better about getting stuff done. I really enjoy having another child here. I feel more obligated to be attentive and present. I get a lot more done when I am responsible for another person’s child. Weird, right?
I tried using the Kid Learn to Crochet book with T. today. He almost got it, but his hands have always been an issue so he gave up very quickly when both hands had to maneuver the string and the hook to get the chain going. It was tough. B. has a CAT to ready himself for and I realized that some of the material in the Math section he hasn’t got to yet. So I had him begin his next unit of fractions with Key to… and he got four pages done after he studied his guitar world dvd and tabs for while.
So it was a busy weekend and fun. I hope to keep up my activity level to keep the boys engaged in things.
There is a new Cooperative forming for homeschooling of mostly my playgroup families. I am always a little worried about group activities when it comes to T. He explodes and ruins everyones good time very easily. I really like the groups ideas and activities and want both the boys to participate, but I don’t want to have each meeting/class to be ruined for the other children. I need some suggestions on how to handle this. He isn’t going to change anytime soon. He needs to do more group activities to increase his situational problem solving. I really think they would both enjoy the activities. B. really needs to get out and participate more and have more exposure to his friends and opportunities for betterment. What to do?!feb-playdate-02feb-playdate-01feb-playdate-03

T.

Okay, am I ever allowed to just freak out!¬† Cause I really want to.¬† My anxiety is sky rocketing through the roof.¬† My face is tingling and my mouth is going numb from the anxiety attack I am trying to stave off.¬†¬† T. once again has effected my social outlets.¬† He was so disturbing and destructive at a lovely fiber meeting that I am no longer welcome to be apart of it.¬† Not that this is a big surprise as it was only a matter of time.¬† I am tired of going places with and for him, to only get slapped in the face, sometimes literally, with explosions or tantrums of swearing, throwing objects, banging and pushing everything in his path, and screaming.¬† I won’t subject myself to useless talk therapies for this child, when all they do is ask me for a running list of what we did and how did he manage it as our weekly hour long therapy sessions.¬† As that has how it has been since he was two years old, I think I can safely say, that doesn’t work for him or us.¬† I just need an adjustment for his meds and someone to help me a couple times a week so I can get out and do things without him or worrying about him.¬† You would think that this shouldn’t be hard to find in a country where more than half the population has some sort of metnal disorder or physical disorder.¬† Yes, that was my own made up fact but it is no less truthful.¬† All the useless beuracracy to get any help or service provided is obscene!¬† I should need two other parties involved to get respite for my son.¬† I shouldn’t need weekly visits with a useless social worker posing as a therapist to get once a month pyschiatric treatment.¬† I should be able to find quality medical care using medicaid, but apprently only the specialty doctors that received the bare minimum nescesary to gradute with a Phd. sign on with medicaid as an insurance provider.¬† If I want quality,I need to use all of the funds my child recieves to live off of, for Supplemental Social Security, to pay for private services to meet his needs.¬† Grrr!¬† I hate using governmental systems but have no other choice and that really grinds my gears.¬†

I don’t want to bring him to playgroup or playdates or theater shows or parks or church or stores or doctors!¬† I want him to be normal or shut up in a locked safe room, so I can live without feeling as though I am going to crack into a million peices everytime I do anything!¬† I know this is unrealistic and absurd thinking but I am still allowed to think it.¬† Unless you have lived it, you know nothing!¬† Even someone coming to the house for five minutes creates T. into a monster that if he doesn’t get to interupt you the whole time and climb all over you and hang off my body, I get to deal with biting and yelling and destroying things and acting stupid.¬† “Oh no!¬† Mommy is talking to another human being!¬† I must get her and the persons attention at all times. What can I do?¬† Oh, I know. Lets try to climb on top¬†of a car, or disect an antenna from this persons car, or chase down and hurt an animal.¬† That’ll do the trick!”¬† WTF!!!¬† I deal with this crap day in and day out!¬† For what??!!¬† I don’t know anymore.¬† My sense of obligation is twindling and my protectivness as a mother is fleeting and my love is borderline hate.¬† In my gut, I am knots just thinking about not being able to make this right somehow.¬†¬†¬† I am so overwhelmed and totally lost.¬† What I wish and want is never a reality in my life no matter how hard I work to create it to be so.¬† I have bent my life to adjust to my childrens needs for so long I have no idea what my goals were in the first place.

In one hand I am thankful for the path that my children have led me on, because of all the new experiences I have come across in my time as their mother.  On the other hand, is my time ever done!  I want simple queit fun relaxed happy healthy family.  Agh!  I throw my hands up in the air.  What else can I do?

Anticipation, Stress and Flash

This week has been challenging to me on so many levels.  Firstly, I am trying to plan a great 9th Birthday Party for T. with very limited funds, and secondly, I am planning a two day trip to Harrisburg PA for a Tour Stop by Parelli Natural Horsemanship for the whole family, the very same weekend.

We are getting very excited about the party, partly¬†due to the content, anxiety about how to manage all my animals with so many children about, and having my house ready to recieve guests.¬† I have been trying not to let all my anxieties explode on my house and have just been plugging along, getting things here, wiping things down here, calling there.¬† This is very difficult for me as I am usually a list person who plans months in advance for things of this sort.¬† I am adding to my own stress by trying something new….. Hoping things fall into place.¬† AH!¬† We are having a Reptile and Exotic Mammal show to begin T.’s party with.¬† This is always really fun for the kids and adults.¬† We have had these types of shows at our home in the past, but never since we lived here.¬† I hope it holds up to our expectations.¬† As for the animals, we are going to be dealing with some folks that have allergies.¬† I have four dogs, four cats, three chickens and one rabbit.¬† This is going to be a challenge.¬† I don’t want anyone hurt or scared by barking, jumping, licking dogs.¬† The house is a whole other matter.¬† That is constant upkeep issues.¬† I never have enough energy to do it all.¬† Heck, I don’t even have the equipment needed to accomplish it all. LOL¬† Oh well, I am not too concerned as it will all be trashed by partying in one feel swoop anyway. ūüėõ

Also, just to add to my stress about this.¬† T. informs me the day after booking the show, that he wants to join a horseback riding summer camp.¬† Well, that would have been nice to know as the money I spent on his show would have been put towards that goal instead of a one time party, but there was nothing I could do about it.¬† Booking was made, invitations explaining the parties contents were already sent, so I had to do the strangest thing.¬† I sent out a letter to those who replied asking that instead of purchasing gifts, which were unescasary to begin with as T. has enough “stuff”, that they might choose to give money towards his summer camp.¬† How pathetic!¬† I know!!¬† It was the only thing that T. and myself could think of to remedy this situation.¬† That was the strangest thing I think I have ever done.¬† I am just not that diplomatic with my words to have¬†requests for such out of the norm ideas to convey this correctly.¬† I hope it goes well. ūüėõ

This weekends trip to PA is a slightly more challenging task.¬† I cannot spend money on food, so I am planning our meals to be single serving meals.¬† P&J sandwiches, bowls of olives, keilbasa, motza cheese, meat sandwiches frozen prior to trip, sliced steak meat, carrot sticks, yogurts, granola bars, cup-o-soup, cereal, hummus with pita bread, and whatever else I can think of so we do not have to purchase food from vendors or on the way there or back.¬† With gas at $3.59 this morning, I am not sure we will have enough gas money.¬† I am determined to make it to this event though.¬† Last year myself and S. went to the tour stop in Springfield, MA and found it a great experience.¬† With the children, it will be different, but I hope still enjoyable.¬† I currently do not own a horse.¬† I had to sell him last fall and it almost killed me.¬† He was my dream come true.¬† I am determined to one day have that dream come back to reality.¬† Until then, I will not stop learning and practicing my skills. I can better¬†myself, so communication between me and my horse will be wide open and fun!¬† I attribute the knowledge of natural horsemanship and barefoot trimming to Debra Lupein of Seven Springs Equine Rescue and¬†Rehabilitation and, of course, my horse, Flash.¬† Debra introduced me to Parelli Natural Horsemanship and taught me the seven games.¬† Debra tutored me in barefoot trimming with hands-on experience with her own horses and mine.¬† Did I forget to mention, that I wouldn’t have had a horse if it weren’t for her?!¬† She cared for a horse that was broken in so many ways, until he was healthy and happy again and ready to be challenged and played with.¬† Well, this is where I came in.¬† Flash is a 23 yr old, Thoroughbred.¬† He was energetic and bouncy and playful.¬† He was also very careful with folks on his back.¬† The ultimate babysitter, if you will.¬† Perfect for a semi-beginner.¬† He has lots of considerations as part of his care but his needs were all worth the time and effort when he allowed you to finally see him through the years of shutting down his emotions and thoughts.¬† He was funny! He was elegant! He was eager to be with you!¬† His personality shined and it wouldn’t have happened without the instruction that Debra and the Parelli family gave to me.¬† Debra let me bring Flash to my home for well under his value, hoping this would be his forever home.¬† Sadly, I let Flash and Debra and myself down by not being able to afford after almost a 1 1/2 yrs worth of time.¬† It was tragic and heart breaking.¬† I was able to find him a home that meant he was going to be ridden frequently and for Flash that is heaven.¬† So I am comforted with the knowledge that his needs are met and he is happy.¬† I wish I could have fufilled his and my dreams with him forever.¬† I guess that is why I feel so strongly about going to this Tour Stop.¬† I really miss Flash and I want to be even more prepared for¬†a horses needs in the future.¬† It helps me stay in touch with the world I love; OF HORSES!

I think I need to go clean for while now…..